The thing you want is hard to ask for or go for. It makes you feel wobbly.
And yet it is the best. It is so worth it.
Go for it.
When I was younger I told myself I wasn’t creative.
I didn’t know what made me special.
In fact, I had a sense that if people knew everything going inside me–all the fears, all the feelings, and all the thoughts–that they would see that I am not good enough.
Creativity was hard because it seemed easy to get wrong, whereas school had clear answers I could memorize and get right.
For years I struggled with a desire to sing, to write, to dance.
In fact for a long time I convinced myself that none of those things were “me” or something I could do.
I feared doing anything that would make me look bad. Someone would stop being my friend, I would fail, I would be shunned, etc.
I didn’t really accept myself and by the time I was out of college I started to be more aware of this.
Still, despite therapy and working on myself, I kept seeing other people mirror this message to me that I was not enough, and I was disappointing them.
I felt awful and blamed myself.
But luckily, my path led me to begin writing every day.
Writing started showing me the feelings and thoughts I was avoiding.
And that included dreams I wasn’t listening to.
Gradually I changed my whole life. Since then I have professionally recorded my own original song. I followed my desire to move to Japan, met my fiancé and got engaged. I get paid to write and teach others how to do so for their book or business.
I went from being not creative, to having ten creative outlets.
Going from A to Z started as being vulnerable—one step at a time, one moment at a time, one interaction at a time.
It’s vulnerable to try. It’s vulnerable to even want to try. But it’s the best thing you’ll do in your life.
Don’t let your environment teach you what is possible. Keep trying something new.
I can tell you getting your dream is vulnerable, too. But worth it. So worth it.
Give yourself freedom to be WEIRD and MESSY–and just try.
Since then, it’s been an emotional adjustment to be SEEN in such a vulnerable and honest way–
frankly I get triggered by how successful it has been, given the feedback I have received from ya’ll!
This is new for me and I’m not used to this….but I’m open to getting used to it!
So thank you, I’m smiling about it all today.
Funny how I used to spend 50 hours a week trying to post things online to connect with people. I couldn’t figure out how to communicate online in a way that mattered.
I wanted to share the spirit of who I really am, but also make money so that I could be free to pursue my dreams.
I used to feel pressure to post blogs or posts every single day but then I felt like I reached no one.
It didn’t feel good and I got very tired.
Now it really doesn’t take me as much time as it used to CONNECT with people online
Connection means I can reach people to share important things
AND I’ve formed real-deal authentic friendship level connections. WHAT?! Yeah, like real soul-family type stuff. You might be one of those people Sofia
I’ve saved a lot of time and energy, so I can focus more on:
A. Helping people more deeply as paying clients, and
B. Doing what I want to do, like working on cool projects.
I want to help you CONNECT and stop wasting so much time online.
I went live on this topic:
“Making Connections through your Site and Social Media”
Got a business? A book? Got a message to share?
Spread your positive vibes online and connect with people about what you have to say in a way that makes you feel more connected.
Behind the scenes, I’ve been working with a lot of people on their website, their bio, their sales page, their book, and how they communicate online.
I’ll share what I do with every single one of my clients who want to write for their website or somewhere else online.
It’ll help you write words that feel like you and draw in the right people to connect with you as readers, clients or supporters.
With these tools, I literally don’t even have an official service page up on my website, and I keep getting coaching clients anyway 0.0
I’m so excited to share my philosophy and practices with you because I truly believe we can make the internet a beautiful and magical place with what I teach.
Thanks for being in my community!!
PS. I took the liberty of revamping my bio page this weekend! Feels so good to have it aligned with who I am today.
I’m feeling inspired to teach you how to write words you are proud of and connect with people better through your site or social media. Watch my free talk on the topic above.
For the first time I’m sharing my soul in a very deep and intimate way on video.
I hope it will bring you inspiration.
If you’ve lost someone important than you might know how difficult it is to find joy again.
I hope this brings you insight into how you might find your way out of this process, or find more meaning in the life that you have, even if it is difficult.
In this video I share the lessons of this very important time in my personal life, reaching the first death anniversary of my father.
Thank you for being on this journey with me as I have been recovering from the death of my father, who my sole parent and key family member.
It really has been one of the most challenging and heart-breaking years in my adult life.
It was especially intense as many of my old traumas were dragged up as I share in the video…
But I think I’ve made the most of it, and I don’t ever want to forget what I have learned.
Thanks for taking the time to watch it.
Don’t forget to Subscribe
This is the first video on a brand NEW youtube channel where I’ll share videos just about my life, thoughts and feelings. So check that out to subscribe here.
In addition to subscribing to my channel on Youtube, you can also subscribe to my newsletter so you don’t miss updates about when future videos come out.
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT
For a long time I have been a writer, a creator, looking for meaning in this world.
You could read my words in a book or an article, on my blog or on the page. But now for the first time I’m beginning to add video, visual images to my thoughts and stories
My life in video – title screen
This first episode is about Surrendering a piece of my identity. What does the girl who makes meaning do when something awful without meaning happens?
It’s now been over a year since my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and shortly after passed away.
This is the story of what I learned over 35 years on the planet, losing people and one year since I lost him, someone really important to me.
But the story starts many years ago when my passed away which was when I was three.
But unfortunately that unhappy placement in my life timeline means that it began a part of my identity for a long time. It constantly came up in conversation when I was meeting people, and it changed my life completely in ways I can’t even count.
But I found ways to adapt. I mostly tried to push down those negative feelings that were left from all of these changes, and try to focus on not to making any mistakes, not being negative, or causing negative feelings in any other person. Ever. Which was very difficult and a form of perfectionism that ultimately was not possible. The attempt of this, which I did get rather good at, did turn into rather a high strung person.
By the time I was 34 and I lost my dad, I wan’t a complete newbie to this whole path… it was like the final blow to a casket, an end who I couldn’t be anymore.
And not that I won’t learn these lessons many times over, this video is really a monument to this moment in time so I never forget how important this really is.
The strategies I adopted as a kid didn’t last as an adult. Because it wasn’t functional, functionally possible to try to do things like I use to do them.
They couldn’t hold me anymore, or rather, I wasn’t going to let them hold me anymore because they created difficulties I simply could not tolerate being in my life anymore. I have had enough.
This lie that I had to prove myself and be perfect. And reach some sort of end when everything would be ok, when I could know it was safe from something outside of me, that I created for myself. I thought I had to do all these things, to control.
And maybe subconsciously, to try and control whether the people in my life live or die.
People live or die and it has nothing to do with me. I mourn the energy I spent trying to have this false sense of control but I forgive it and I forgive all the lessons I had to learn and the lack of understanding that came with it, because like everyone else, I am always doing my best. And that has to be enough. For me, it is.
Because I am deciding to let go of my identity as needing to perfect in order to be ok.
I released the lies and illusions that kept me put. That I need to be producing all the time, I need to be writing all the time, or providing something to another person or being any kind of way…to be ok. I just am.
And releasing all of those comes with it’s own sacrifices.
I was so addicted to my work for such a long time. That’s how I thought I had to be to survive. And now I still care but I’m not as consumed by my creative potential and my work and my journey on this planet as a creator.
I wanna be like a healthy artist and show up and be like, hey yes we exist. And don’t you darn forget it.
The patience with myself that fuels everything. It is still going be here even if this leads no where, even if this video goes no where, even if everything I do goes no where and is just a one off experiment? In being a human and trying to put it into some kind of art form, some kind of expression.
I am grieving. I am not totally ok. And I’m tired of waiting to be okay before I can do anything. Because the reason I am not ok is because I deeply love someone who had to leave me too soon and there is nothing wrong with that.
I have to reclaim all the energy from the part of me that has judged it through my life.
This tender, soft and painful area in my heartthat has been bared open again by losing another person. It’s here. And I just want to grieve and make it okay to be a person grieving.
It is ok to do what is natural in a world where we need people to care about people more not less. to make it a strength to feel something. To make it okay to be part of the world as feeling people.
I’m still who I am. I’m still showing up.
Just like it’s going to be okay to show up on the days when I am having a good day, and everything feels open to me. I’m saying it not just for me but for other people too
Not everything gets solved with a pill. In my life, many things get solved by art and creativity and writing..Other forms of creativity can transform our sorrows and challenges and turn them into something else. Something of beauty, of value. Of excellent. Something with some substance. Something enduring that no body can take away from because it will still have been experienced.
But to have that release of the confines of a cage you spent your whole life in.
Despite being hassled by other people, the biggest jailer has only ever been myself. So I’m not going to put a lid on it or pretend to be someone I’m not so that I’m perfect.
I believe honesty and creativity will set me free and I’m sharing the magic to you by doing it for myself. From being just real and that is a beautiful thing.
This last year has been a big change and I’m my dad’s death was a lot for me to handle.
I left myself go to absolute pieces emotionally so I could pick myself up and come back together again with a few pieces left behind.
Not all of who I was before made the cut, and not all of my former life did either. I am now the one that decides what combination of pieces will make my life the most beautiful thing that it can be to my eyes.
I don’t decide if others live or die. I don’t control the big picture. I just what I can to reach in and find the seed of something that can possibly be good in crap.
I lost my main person. It was hard… And there is no meaning to be made out of it. I’m seeing whatever the reality is and I don’t have to put a smily face on it.
I can be angry. I can cry.
Whatever fairy tale I’ve been born into I am going to write the ending to it. And I’m not going to wait until happily ever after because forget that. I will grab the pen today and I will write my own ending and have it be that.
I choose happiness, safety, openness, and ease
The best part of being a writer and why I want every one to write is that you can change your story and you are the author.
So I have chosen to surrender to it: personality change, releasing my old priorities and choosing new ones, even if it means the death of who I used to be.
But self love is is conceptual, hard to grasp, and inactionable when its spoken about it in generalities. It can only be something you can step towards when you know yourself.
So when my own anxieties come up I can’t necessarily change it, but I can be aware of it. I can be present. And with my acceptance, I can find one more thing that I can do about it. And find some wonder as a strange little plucky traveler on a bendy road to who knows where.
So in the end if I have to choose one thing to make my life about. I choose me.It’s my life and I’m going to live it.
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A long time ago I began to dream of being a writer, and it was a dream that never left me.
Although it has become my work to help other people to write for their books and websites, it’s all too easy for me to lose touch with the things that brought me to writing in the first place.
For me it is about self love, and finding myself in the process of writing things. Whether it is fiction or nonfiction, if I didn’t love myself and think my voice was valuable, then I wouldn’t bother to do any of this.
That is why I try to get other people hooked on writing
I could easily write and not enjoy it because I would be trying to be someone else. It is so easy to compare to the millions of books I see and read, but the thing is that those are finished products.
Some of those authors have budgets and teams that I can only dream of. Some authors literally do nothing but write, or went to college for it and had someone pay for that, etc. Or they pay ghostwriters and editors to polish to perfection.
There is no reason to compare because it’s not a fair playing field to do that.
I don’t even want to compare to **myself** in the past because I am different than I used to be. I am a new person.
My greatest fear is that I will be like everybody else: normal.
As opposed to future Leonardo DaVinci of whatever I write…
But I am coming to accept we are pretty much all the same deep down. Including moi.
Millions of words will not change that but I am going to have so much fun writing those words
Any little bit of time that I can grab to write is worthwhile. Writing is a beautiful thing to me.
I am giving myself a morning every week dedicated to my writing.
That time is a gift to myself out of love. It doesn’t matter how long I take to write or what comes out of it. It is for me.
I wanted to continue to talk about the lessons I’ve learned this past year in the aftermath of turning 35…
but I changed my mind. I don’t feel like writing a list anymore lol.
A list was great when I was on the go writing at a stop on my roadtrip,(See part 1)
But now that I’m back home and integrating the past month of traveling, My thoughts are longer and more. They don’t fit a little list.
In the spirit of honoring what really wants to come out right now, I’ll share some snippets of the writing I am working on from this past week.
Lessons from 35
PART 2
Well, I guess I’m a woman now. I am 35 and I recently revisited some old haunts.
I am reflecting on everything I learned in my journey on earth so far, especially since it’s been one year since I lost someone really important. I wanted to capture this moment in time and the most essential bits so they don’t slip away from my memory.
My life seems to have gone by in a blur. I know I was there putting my all into it the whole time, but it went by fast.
The last ten years I started and built my own business, which was a lot of work. I can see now that I put myself second to my career advancement for sooo long.
But now I’ve changed…
It makes sense why it was the way it was, though.
I grew up with a lot of financial stress around me. If you aren’t rich you are often struggling so hard to get by so as a kid I knew I had to make money in my life.
Also, I experienced a lot of bullying and criticism as part of my upbringing which made me feel insecure and unsafe.
Thus I became obsessed with whatever safety I could create through my own effort:
School.
Trying to do everything right.
And then eventually by starting a business of my own.
Eventually during these ten years I did find ways to make money that I felt good about:
writing,
editing,
teaching others.
That was all ethical and even exciting to me, but it was still a whole lot of work. Even in my off time I was thinking about it. I had trouble with work-life balance and boundaries.
This last year has reminded me how important my own needs are beyond just the financial.
It was easy to focus on that when I was ABLE to put so much effort into it, but after my dad’s death I could barely think and function normally so returning to my old workaholic patterns wasn’t an option.
Although growing up it didn’t feel safe to put self love at the top of my life, since when I was shining I became just a bigger target for bullies–
but this year instead of putting my head down and doing the work to survive,I did something else.
I learned to accept more help from other people like my friends at a distance while also making my own decisions. I had to adapt and to move.
I left myself go to absolute pieces emotionally so I could pick myself up and back together again with a few pieces left behind.
Not all of who I was before made the cut, and not all of my former life did either.
I am now the one that decides what combination of pieces will make my life the most beautiful thing that it can be to my eyes and that’s what I’m prioritizing from now on.
That is what it is about: the beauty of being alive and even if it seems ugly, to find a glimmer or sparkle in it somehow someway that is the path.
I don’t decide if others live or die. I have no control over the big picture of things. I just do what I can do.
But there are things I can grasp hold of and rewrite in my life.
I’m not waiting for a happily ever after down the road. I will grab the pen and add my own ending and have it be what I need it to be.
That is what I love about writing, because no matter how many tries it takes you to hit upon a satisfying ending, it is possible to write something beautiful for yourself. No matter how the story goes.
You hold the pen on your adventure and you get to decide what meaning you make out of it.
Hope you enjoyed this little piece of writing!
Up next are more intimate sharings from my heart about what I’ve learned.
I’m planning yet another way to switch things up and express them in a new way.
So stay tuned or sign up to get all my posts by email here
I just made it to my home in Wisconsin after several weeks in Maryland and Virginia. It is less hot here, so I’m going to make every bit of summer count.
Also, I thought it would be fun to write a list of lessons learned at 35.
Because that is how old I am, and I have learned quite a few things!
SO many that I decided I would send you part of the list now, and part next week.
Sound interesting? Then keep reading!
By the way, my bday fundraiser has been AMAZING and my heart is bursting because we raised almost $200 in the past week.
Thank you so much!!
Missed that announcement? Go here to read more about the emergency fundraiser to help Ariefa, the director of Her Future Foundation.
It’s a nonprofit dedicated to girl empowerment and safety from FGM in Sierra Leone.
OK now here comes the list.
In no particular order other than this is how my mind works!
I wrote most of this out in a Denny’s in Montana waiting for an omelet. It was a pit stop during the 15-hour ride home this weekend. 😀
35 Lessons from 35
PART 1
1. Writing is medicine. Do it daily even a sentence.
2. It makes it obvious what I feel and then I take action on that rather than powering through.
3. Take time to pause and BE not just do.
4. There is no point where I will be more enough as a person because of my accomplishments. Trying to do that is never a good thing.
5. Dictate ideas and journal entries when you have idea on the go
6. Reviewing your life weekly or at least monthly means you remember what you learn better.
7. Don’t undervalue your skills.
8. Education pays off your whole life. The investment is worth it.
9. No one has a magic bullet to success. Most important, if you are going to get help or hire a coach, ask if someone can help you take actions you will procrastinate; provide a needed viewpoint or skills or teach you things; help you get clear on what success means for you; or all of the above. If yes, then that helper may actually be helpful.
10. Collaboration is worth the complications when the mood strikes.
11. ‘No’ is a good word to exercise.
12. So is the phrase, ‘let me think about it.’
13. When people tell you who they are with their actions, believe them. It matters so much more than words.
14. An apology doesn’t always fix something. Sometimes we make mistakes with a person that can’t be undone, but we can still learn from it.
15. Communication really is the key to a good relationship, but it also means learning how to phrase something in the best way and find the best time to bring certain things up. It’s a whole thing.
17. If you can’t find Mirin, you can substitute 2 tablespoons of it for 2 tbsps rice vinegar and 1/4 teaspoon sugar. [This is helpful if you want to make ramen — this is one of the recipes that has inspired me this year to make my own ramen with gluten free ingredients! Also this one, and this one.]
Stay tuned for part 2 next week!!
I’m also working on another way to record my lessons of this year having lost a loved one and turning 35.
Stay tuned for something new and exciting coming up!!
P.S. For my birthday I want to raise $600 for an emergency medical bill for the Director of Her Future Foundation. I work closely with this organization, and know he has volunteered unpaid all year to help girls in Sierra Leone end FGM and child marriage.
Check out my previous blog for more or go here to donate (every little bit helps!) https://gofund.me/a624dbac
The past week has been crazy! Has it been nutty for you as well?
I have been spending a lot of time with different folks to celebrate my recent 35th birthday (a week ago).
(Most people say I look totally different than I did a year ago because I’m growing out my hair! It hasn’t been this long in about 15 years and I’m keeping it.)
More on all the life stuff like that in an upcoming blog post.
Today I wanted to put out a request for my birthday.
Last year for my birthday, I invited people to provide me with a condolence coffee since my father had just passed away. Thanks so much to all that did.
Now, I am in a much better place than I was a year ago, and I want to raise money for a really good cause.
Have you ever gotten that feeling that it is all on you?
A lot of that feeling is landing on Ariefa Kumara, the director for Her Future Foundation, right now, so I’m trying to raise $600 to help out.
If you’ve followed me for a while, you might remember I did a fundraiser for this organization this spring.
The organization Her Future Foundation (HFF) has been founded to educate and empower girls so that they can be liberated from child marriage, Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) and other harmful practices in Sierra Leone–where girls as young as 8 are married to adult men.
Ariefa founded HFF and now runs two schools that enroll over 300 children, both boys and girls, in addition to other programs.
This spring we raised $1000 (above our goal) to get them NGO status, so they can continue to expand, assist vulnerable girls who have no parents, and provide more services.
What happened:
Last month the director Ariefa had a medical emergency
The nonprofit is dependent on his well-being because he’s the one who can connect the girls in Sierra Leone with funding from international donors.
There is currently no funding but the organization has NGO status so with a little more time they should be able to receive it.
He’s in the middle of lining up new funding for the organization by working with officials in the UN (United Nations) World Population Fund and the European Union. Light is at the end of the tunnel!!
But in the meantime, the emergency put him in the hospital with malaria.
He needed help so a team of donors got him emergency funding for medical expenses. Sierra Leone doesn’t give free medical care, or even treat patients without payment. I donated $300 to gofundme and directly to him because his health is essential.
The good news and bad news
The good news is he is in a more physically stable place where he is not going to die, but his well-being is still being dinged.
The bad news is he needs $600 USD more to pay the final hospital bill.
The hospital workers have been repeatedly verbally aggressive and mean awaiting his payment in full. They won’t accept a partial payment.
The personal attacks are affecting his focus and mental health trying to get funding for the organization.
Going forward
We are in the home stretch finding new funding for HFF but since the last grant ended in 2021, Ariefa has worked without pay, which is why he needs help now.
He really has so many people in his community, including all the girls, looking to him for guidance and assistance. He’s done SO much for girlkind, pulling girls out of situations where they’d be sexually assaulted, married as a child, or initiated into FGM ceremonies. Instead he puts them in school.
I really want to help him out as a thank you for his service.
Can you help him to get this last bit of funding to pay this bill?
Not only will it help Ariefa, but it will help the girls as well.
He can put more energy and focus into the home stretch of representing Her Future Foundation and getting international aid.
And it will be that relief of knowing he isn’t in this all alone! He’s got people who want to see this mission succeed.
Want more information?
Check out this information about Her Future Foundation:
You can also shoot me a message by the contact me page.
(Yes, this guy is the real deal! I know people are wary of scams but I met him through my contacts in DC Nonprofits. I also worked with a state department official who visited him in Sierra Leone in person and attested to the amazing work he does there.)
Donate:
Here is the fundraiser that has been started for his healthcare here: GO FUND ME LINK
(It has $390 raised as of this writing, and we hope to raise another $600 to get it to $1000 total.)
Thanks for supporting if you can–it’s not really for me, but I’ll be really thankful if we can do this.
