I have some more radical things to say as I continue the subject of, “It’s Not About You,” from my earlier post.
Again, one of my big things is that if you want to write a book or do other creative work, you need to know that it’s not about you.
Someone asked me, “Sofia, what about memoir? If you are writing a memoir, isn’t that about you?”
My answer is that, it is, and it isn’t. Actually, memoir is something that I write, but I find that I overcome the hurdles of stopping and starting and procrastinating–and all the rest–when I remember my big purpose: to help other people, maybe, or basically just to do it because Spirit is guiding me to. Total surrender. From that place it isn’t about my ego at all. Wow! It’s a lot easier to make progress in that zone.
Completing your project and living your purpose isn’t about you. Writing a book, creating music, selling your latest coaching program or creative offering, the spiritual work you want to do–it’s not about you. It never was.
What’s really cool about this is that it means you can’t fail. Since it’s not about you. You’re just putting guidance into motion and trusting that inspiration, that something bigger, to guide your actions.
Here are some more of my recent posts on the topic of “It’s Not About You,” specifically how to navigate our dreams about helping other people.
Because what people don’t realize is that it is possible for helping people to come from the ego. Sadly, I’ve seen a lot of news come out about spiritual leaders doing bad things that hurt people. There are many spiritual leaders who are actually leading cults that disempower people. It’s possible to start a charity and have the funds go nowhere but your own pocket. The people doing these things might have even thought this was all helping people!
And that’s just the big stuff, haven’t you ever experienced when someone was trying to “help,” but really ended up making you feel worse? How can we avoid that?
The key is to understand the dangers of how the ego can play around when you try to help people.
Much of this information comes from my fancy Masters in Spiritual and Pastoral Care from Loyola in Baltimore. Enjoy!
Start here altruistic ones: Helping people is not a panacea for the ego. In fact there are many ways people “help” that is ego-based. Sometimes it doesn’t matter, but other times helping people from ego motivation can make you less helpful or even harmful to the other person. So watch out for these if you want to write or create something to help someone, or even just do so as a friend or fellow human.
1. Projection. This is particularly uncomfortable for the other person because it is very confusing. It is known as “counter transference” in the counseling world: when the counselor looks at a patient and projects their own issues and personality aspects onto the person they are talking to. They aren’t really seeing the person they serve and their own issues get in the way. This is often what people do when they are giving other people advice: they are speaking from their own experience and value system. This is so common this is taught to every counseling professional! If they can make this mistake, don’t you think you might, too?!
The more I live on this planet the more I learn that other people are different and many people have different life lessons they are supposed to learn. One man’s poison is another man’s cure.
Example: Someone is crying. You feel bad for them and afraid, you think, “Oh they need a hug!” (This is because you’d like a hug in this instance.) You go in for a hug and they freak out and run away. What happened? You overstepped! You didn’t check to see if you are the same. They were feeling trauma from being physically assaulted and did not want to be touched right now. It’s ok to make mistakes, but this our ego that drives us.
I don’t really like it when people project on me because I am sensitive and it’s confusing, and then I have to tell the other person they are wrong and then they get defensive and argue with me. It’s really tiring especially if I’m in a place where I need support. A lot of times I don’t really need advice. I just want to be heard and listened to and told that I make sense and that they have faith I’ll figure it out eventually on my own by listening to my own guidance. But sometimes advice is ok, that is, when the words they say come from the right energy—not a place of ego or projection—when they are really coming from spirit and connecting to my soul.
2. Abuse and/or Enabling. Some people covertly abuse or insult others and then brush it off and try to cure or save the person they hurt. They may not even be consciously aware of this. This makes them feel like a good person when under doubt. It may make someone dependent on them. It makes some people feel superior and better or more evolved than others when they help people, like they have value and self worth because other people are worse off then them. That’s not a great way to build your self worth—by feeling better than other people. There are better ways. Ways that are less likely to result in disrespecting, or enabling, or even abusing other people so that you feel better about yourself. I’m hoping anyone reading this wouldn’t do this, but seriously consider it a possibility that everyone is capable of this, so that you don’t fall into it by mistake.
The ego is a part of humanity and if you think you are too good to ever get a little bump in your self worth from feeling more advanced than someone else, I think you’re nuts. We can all do this, and you have to be self aware so that you catch yourself from causing harm. Some pride is okay, especially for some people with a lack of it; you have to really be open to guidance on what is right for you, the other, and your situation. Likewise, it’s not as deplorable, but helping someone to the point that they can’t function on their own without you and are demonstrating unhealthy or harmful behaviors is enabling and not a good way to help. Pray and seek help is all I can say. I don’t have easy answers on this.
3. Ignorance. The ego doesn’t know what is best and puts its foot in it. Premature judgements, suggestions, looking to rules for guidance and a one sized fit all pat solution to every problem is an issue. Watch out for the words, “I’ve seen that before.” Make sure it really applies and isn’t a premature judgement. To help someone you need to be willing to be ignorant, powerless to help and not know anything. You don’t know their life. You are not God, you just hope to help. Then be totally open and listen both to the other person and your heart for guidance. This is why I pray. Because I don’t even know what to do most of the time, and I just have to hear. It actually often works out once I release control and what I think I know; I’ve helped some people in some pretty intense and unique situations this way. This also helps you continue to learn.
There are exceptions to every rule, and the most important things are the energy stream you come from to guide you and the impact you create with your words or deeds.
Are you ready to:
- Stop overthinking your writing or creating, and putting extra pressure on yourself so that you’re just blocked?
- Find a pace that works for you, so you can enjoy the process of writing or creating, and meet your deadline?
- Start focusing on how many people you can help instead of stop worrying about what other people think?
- End the stop-start cycle so you can write or create consistently everyday, and get it out there into the world?
Want to make faster progress?
Get your writing done? Your creating? Or another project that you are resisting?
Contact me to ask about a free conversation to explore how I can help you make consistent progress on your projects.
Blessings!
Sofia Wren <3 <3 <3
