Exposed & Bare. Vulnerable.
When someone reads what you write down,
and they think XYZ.
This week I’ve been slowing down and listening in now that the Winter Writing Group is closed for new members. All the members are on this journey to write and create, even if it’s a bit of a stretch!
Ever since last week, I’ve had the urge to talk about this exposed feeling that comes up when you start to share your writing–or even think about sharing.
It’s old hat to me now after publishing writing about my life for 20 years, but it doesn’t mean I don’t ever have to face it.
I’m talking about that little voice coming up when you put pen to paper:
“What if people read this, hear my voice, and they don’t like it?”
It might gnaw at you or feel a bit embarrassing…
even if it’s just a little bit, that’s enough
– to kill your inspiration,
– to block you from sharing, and
– to keep you in the shadows, covered and ‘safe’.
The Problem:
Here is the deal about writing.
When you write or share, you reveal yourself:
– Your thoughts.
– Your feelings.
– Who you are.
How terrifying!!
In fact a lot of people have what I call “sibling-syndrome.”
It’s a fear of writing anything personal down.
It comes from when a sibling could invade your privacy and read your deepest darkest secrets in your journal!
(Best not to even keep a journal in that situation–it’s a logical way to protect yourself.)
But maybe, THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE BESIDES YOUR SIBLINGS,
(Or your bullies. Or your parents.)
And they are waiting for you to connect with them.
They are your people.
Maybe your people will get you,
better than any one you ever grew up with did.
Maybe your secrets will endear you to them forever,
like a best friend.
Maybe the safest thing in the world is to let people see the real you,
and let go of holding back,
because you will magnetize your people
and they’ll become your friends, fans, followers and even clients.
Are you prepared for people to discover the REAL you?
Read your thoughts, your feelings, your secret truths?
Are you prepared for what they might think or say about it?
I’m writing to you about this because if you want to write authentically or share about what you do this is majorly important.
As a writing coach, I’ve seen clients be so reluctant to feel exposed or judged (which I know is super scary)…
that they never write anything down, and hold back from sharing anything ever!
Why fear of exposure is worth facing
– If you want to help people,
– If you have a mission worth sharing,
– If you have gifts, art, information, a service to share with other people…
People need to hear what you have to say,
So sooner or later you are going to need to
Show. Up.
The best way to reach people is to show up in general,
– consistently,
– broadly, and
– as often as is comfortable for you.
You can’t just think about writing.
You can’t just write in a journal and leave it there.
You can’t show up once, with 10% of who you are, and expect to rock people’s world.
You gotta show up more than that.
But showing up as much as it takes, or even once,
may be uncomfortable or scary,
so what should you do?
What is the solution?
Should you tear off all your metaphorical clothes and bare your soul right now in every way possible?
Should you share writing drafts you don’t think are ready?
Do you need to open your journal and share your deepest darkest secrets?
Is that what is necessary to be authentic and fully embracing your purpose?
Is this what you need to do for the shock therapy to “break the ice,”
so you don’t ever fear being vulnerable or exposed again?
Well….
Speaking as someone who HAS done this–
I’ve published a book about some of the most vulnerable things I could share. I’m talking about my memoir Freedom Year.
Yeah, I talked about my sex life, from when I was 22 (btw the sex honestly wasn’t even that great! Which is maybe worse…)
Freedom Year was a time in which I confused, trying to find who I was and using bad dates and questionable choices to find that path.
I wanted to stop being a doormat so I thought trying to be more like a dominatrix would somehow turn me into a strong woman like Beyonce.
Plot twist–It didn’t really work that way,
but those weird a$$ experiences did in a round-about way lead me to finding my spirituality and more self love.
I don’t regret writing the story, or publishing it. I got a lot out of all parts of the process.
But I can tell you there is an easier way.
In all honesty, I thought I would publish Freedom Year and then I would officially give no f&*$s about what anyone thought and be totally authentic forever.
But that’s what happened. I still have thoughts like, “Why did you do this?!”
I dismiss those thoughts since I know I did it to follow my intuition and I trust my intuition. Full stop.
But if you get nervous about sharing your writing, I don’t think publishing a tell-all memoir solves everything.
Despite ripping off a big bandaid of vulnerability, it still takes work for me to continue to be courageously myself every day.
(But embracing that courage is something I am committed to, so no biggie. Bring it on. I’m ready.)
For you, Maybe there is another way
We all have a different path. I’m not suggesting you take my path and use it as your own.
You can do things in a softer, gentler way.
Don’t just take the plunge and expose yourself broadly without preparation.
In fact, before I published Freedom Year, I did a LOT of preparation,
and that’s what I would recommend to you
BE GENTLE. GO IN STAGES. PREPARE YO’ SELF.
FYI, this still matters even if you haven’t written something yet
just knowing your plan is to be gentle on yourself WILL make it easier for you to write authentically,
because while your writing is still an IDEA in your brain,
your subconscious is already thinking 12 steps ahead to how people react when you hit publish.
If you have a fear of exposure, it CAN and WILL completely block your writing in the first place
because if you have no writing to show anyone, then you will be ‘safe’.
“Uh uh. Not this. Shut it down,” is basically how the uncontrollable forces in your brain will react.
There goes your muse, out the window.
If you’ve been having trouble finishing a project, maybe this is happening to you.
To get over this you have the option to publicly share about evvvvvvverything right this second,
but you don’t need to.
And unless you are prepared, I don’t recommend it.
It’s not necessary to go to such great lengths of self-exposure to be authentic and serve your purpose.
Good news, right?
Well, the bad news is that at some point, you will need to explore your edges around exposure and vulnerability.
This is the way:
– to stop being “the world’s greatest secret”,
– to share your stories or your skills to people who will benefit, and
– to be seen so you reach the people you are here to serve in a bigger way.
BUT you can still push your edge around sharing your writing in a gentle way.
How to Be Gentle
Here’s what I recommend:
Share your writing in stages.
1. Find a gentle or SAFE person to share your writing with and tell them what kind of feedback you want or don’t want.
For instance, say all you want is to hear is what they like about it. Make sure they won’t judge.
Maybe talk to them on the phone so you can make sure you hear their tone.
(I’ve been this gentle first person who reads and gives feedback for many clients, reply to me if you’d like me to be this person for you!)
2. Find a safe group you can share your writing with.
Same deal–let them know what you expect and hope for from them.
If you get crickets, i.e. no response, maybe go back to number #1.
Whenever I am in a course that has a group chat, a private forum, a facebook group, a voxer or telegram group,
I share ALOT of writing, voicenotes, posts, and videos about what I am working through.
It’s a great way to make friends, learn a lot, and generate ideas for things I end up sharing publicly.
3. If you aren’t confident about your writing, ask for constructive criticism.
If you feel like you want your writing to get better, you can ask a writing expert or someone else how to make it better.
You can ask the people you share with or people you share with in groups.
Don’t ask a person who hates fantasy how to make your fantasy novel better. Don’t ask a person who hates yoga how to make your yoga site better–
make sure who you listen to actually has a useful opinion.
You have to take it with a grain of salt, but try not to get defensive if there is some truth in what people say.
Filter it through your intuition.
4. Edit your writing and repeat the previous stages until you are ready to share with the whole world.
Sometimes it takes a few rounds of polishing to feel ready. No shame in that.
5. Post or publish your writing publicly.
Whoo!!!! Time to post and attract those people who get you 🙂
Now you may even have the confidence to personally approach people with your public posts and ask them to like, share it, or leave a comment or review!
You can also do these stages out of order–
like maybe you post writing publicly and after that you ask for feedback about how to make that writing better.
The point of this is:
If you have fear of exposure, you may not realize there are many stages that you can put your writing through.
You may think the process looks like writing and then instantly sharing so everyone in the world can see it.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
You have to tell your brain that this is not necessarily what will happen–
you will be gentle.
Going through the process will also help you gain strength.
The big goal of taking your writing through stages is not so much about honing your writing,
although if you get help and you feel your writing gets better then you may feel comfortable sharing in a bigger way.
Mainly this is a practice of exposing yourself through sharing in safe spaces,
so that it dulls the sting of it. You get used to it.
It makes your stronger for when you go public with your writing.
I want you to be strong because these days a lot of people experience NO response to writing.
It doesn’t mean your writing sucks but it is disappointing to be ignored, or have no confirmation that someone connected with it.
There are also internet trolls. Some people really are negative, but it might just be their problem.
What you put online may be read by this person or that person you’d rather not have read it, and you may dread that.
But if this is truly something important that you need to write, to share, and get out there,
I trust you will find the courage you need to push your writing forward.
Aim to move it into the next stage.
You can do this, and if you need any help making 2023 the year you make progress on sharing your writing in a safer, gentler, more courageous way…contact me
Knowing when to take off the training wheels
Yeah, this is a lot of stages to put writing through.
Some writing may not trigger you so much and so you don’t need to do all this work on it.
Eventually, when you are more practiced in writing and sharing, you won’t need all these stages to share something that makes you nervous.
You will trust yourself.
You may even get feedback directly from people that helps you know you made the right decision to share.
For example, this fall I did something really big. I was super vulnerable in my vlog about the lessons I learned from a year of grieving my father.
I shared it publicly without showing it to anyone else because I knew it was right.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t have butterflies!
But despite never having done a vlog before, I felt confident in the process.
I’ve done enough vulnerable writing and storytelling to know when something is safe for sharing.
I published the vlog, emailed, and posted it and also sent it to specific people who had also lost loved ones.
I got so much positive feedback it confirmed my intuition: people needed to see it.
It was definitely a leap for me but after the response I am already planning my next vlog.
I hope this inspires you in your writing and sharing, and remember–
you can blow a gentle, calm dust over everything you are working on.
It doesn’t need to be SO hard.
Do you need someone safe to share your writing with?
Make progress on writing for your book, business or blog,
so you can get it in the world for 2023!
Contact me about 1-1 (one on one) writing coaching
Services include:
copywriting, co-writing, writing coaching (via phone, zoom or voxer), and editing.
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