I wanted to continue to talk about the lessons I’ve learned this past year in the aftermath of turning 35…
but I changed my mind. I don’t feel like writing a list anymore lol.
A list was great when I was on the go writing at a stop on my roadtrip,(See part 1)
But now that I’m back home and integrating the past month of traveling, My thoughts are longer and more. They don’t fit a little list.
In the spirit of honoring what really wants to come out right now, I’ll share some snippets of the writing I am working on from this past week.
Lessons from 35
PART 2
Well, I guess I’m a woman now. I am 35 and I recently revisited some old haunts.
I am reflecting on everything I learned in my journey on earth so far, especially since it’s been one year since I lost someone really important. I wanted to capture this moment in time and the most essential bits so they don’t slip away from my memory.
My life seems to have gone by in a blur. I know I was there putting my all into it the whole time, but it went by fast.
The last ten years I started and built my own business, which was a lot of work. I can see now that I put myself second to my career advancement for sooo long.
But now I’ve changed…
It makes sense why it was the way it was, though.
I grew up with a lot of financial stress around me. If you aren’t rich you are often struggling so hard to get by so as a kid I knew I had to make money in my life.
Also, I experienced a lot of bullying and criticism as part of my upbringing which made me feel insecure and unsafe.
Thus I became obsessed with whatever safety I could create through my own effort:
School.
Trying to do everything right.
And then eventually by starting a business of my own.
Eventually during these ten years I did find ways to make money that I felt good about:
writing,
editing,
teaching others.
That was all ethical and even exciting to me, but it was still a whole lot of work. Even in my off time I was thinking about it. I had trouble with work-life balance and boundaries.
This last year has reminded me how important my own needs are beyond just the financial.
It was easy to focus on that when I was ABLE to put so much effort into it, but after my dad’s death I could barely think and function normally so returning to my old workaholic patterns wasn’t an option.
Although growing up it didn’t feel safe to put self love at the top of my life, since when I was shining I became just a bigger target for bullies–
but this year instead of putting my head down and doing the work to survive, I did something else.
I learned to accept more help from other people like my friends at a distance while also making my own decisions. I had to adapt and to move.
I left myself go to absolute pieces emotionally so I could pick myself up and back together again with a few pieces left behind.
Not all of who I was before made the cut, and not all of my former life did either.
I am now the one that decides what combination of pieces will make my life the most beautiful thing that it can be to my eyes and that’s what I’m prioritizing from now on.
That is what it is about: the beauty of being alive and even if it seems ugly, to find a glimmer or sparkle in it somehow someway that is the path.
I don’t decide if others live or die. I have no control over the big picture of things. I just do what I can do.
But there are things I can grasp hold of and rewrite in my life.
I’m not waiting for a happily ever after down the road. I will grab the pen and add my own ending and have it be what I need it to be.
That is what I love about writing, because no matter how many tries it takes you to hit upon a satisfying ending, it is possible to write something beautiful for yourself. No matter how the story goes.
You hold the pen on your adventure and you get to decide what meaning you make out of it.
Hope you enjoyed this little piece of writing!
Up next are more intimate sharings from my heart about what I’ve learned.
I’m planning yet another way to switch things up and express them in a new way.
So stay tuned or sign up to get all my posts by email here
