It’s taken me four years to open up and share this.
The other day I found myself listening to old recording I had made and never put into the world. I used to sit with my harp–the only instrument that ever felt natural to play right away and make things that sound good– turn on a recorder and fall into the music.
As I played I doubted myself– what this good enough? Was I good enough? I was scared then and after, so you’ve probably never heard this before. It collected dust.
Until very recently if I dared to sing, I questioned every high note, every inspired breath, and I often reduced my volume, held back my words that didn’t make sense but that came in the moment.
But when I allowed it to pass through my voice and my fingers, something different happened.
Something amazing happened.
I was music.
I don’t mean musical because at the time I didn’t believe that, only upon hearing the recording this week did I ever think, “Hmmm maybe I’ve been musical this whole time, and I never let myself believe I had talent because I was waiting for someone else who was a musician to tell me that.” That’s a byproduct of my own insecurities growing up in a musical family with people who play a bazillion instruments like it’s combing their hair.
I mean that I forgot myself and just let myself be the music. I became one with it, and present to the moment, so there was no past of feeling not good enough, or no possible future where I could be rejected by someone hearing the recording. I was music, there playing each note into the air, a small vibration message to the universe of love and realness and heart. And it was enough just to give it and have it be witnessed by the air around me that I didn’t think about anything else, just moved my fingers.
There’s a lot of heart in this music. It’s forlorn, it’s a little sad. If you’ve hung out with me on my various blogs and incarnations long enough, or enjoyed reading my story, you may have picked up that I used to be pretty sad a lot. (See my story)
Still I do enjoy some beautiful sad things like Foreign films, or inspirational endings where I’m crying for what was lost but joyful for appreciating what good remains. Io sono italiana e americana — I am Italian and American, an observer of two worlds.
Because I have a sad past, I see that reality is at least two fold, it has ups and downs, highs and lows. At any moment we are at a peak experience we could also be about to lose it forever. At any moment when we have joy we could choose to be sad. And yet there is a beauty in the everchanging flow of existence, in having faith that there will still be meaning after the grief and the loss is over. You can tell I think a lot about this kindof thing, always have, maybe because my mother died when I was so young, but there’s also always been something in me looking for the light to keep living for.
When I made this music, I didn’t have very much evidence that all would be well for me, it felt like I was all alone, again, that no one understood me, that no one saw what I wanted to believe was inside of me, that no one could support me and allow me to be truly free, and I had so much stress and pressure as a new college graduate coming into the world amidst a recession. Who was I? What was I to become? What would I do? (I’m reminded of dialogue from the movie from Across the Universe…do do do what will he DO? But what about what I will BE?”)
I felt ugly and rough and at times broken, mishapen from outside influence, wounded and reactive, but I had to keep hoping that the light would fall off of one of my clear and beautiful facets and reflect in someone else’s eyes so that they would see me, and maybe they would tell me, and maybe that would feel like love. A moment I could treasure in my collection like a dragon, running over each trinket until the end of time. Because I still assumed that I would always come back to being alone.
Someone asked me recently why on facebook under my name it says “Wren Doloro” that’s my old pen name. The one I had until a year and a half ago when I decided to challenge my fears that I would always be isolated and that no one would ever understand me if I truly let the world see who I was. I decided to let myself be visible, put my real name and face up and take that badass vulnerability along for the ride as Sofia Wren. I left it up there so people from my old blog could find me, but also I just haven’t figured out how to take it off my facebook page lol. But ‘Doloro’ does mean pain in Italian. I feel into the word as emotional pain, but the kind that like in an Italian movie, can end up with those tears that are sad but beautiful at the same time. I experienced that unity of all that seemed so different, the year I made this album, when my heart broke but I was grateful at the same time. A life changing experience, that I still fail to describe accurately.
I’m so glad that I live a different way than I did 4 long years ago, but I’m still at my heart the same person. I still have my own way of looking at the world. But now I see that I was always talented, I just wasn’t practiced in believing in myself. I did the best I could but I didn’t have the knowledge, the tools, the support, the practices that I have now. I’m no longer anxious and afraid I’ll fail, I more often feel inspired, driven to follow my own definition of success, and ready.
This week I heard this recording. And I heard the talent I’ve truly always had. These tunes are mostly unrehearsed, and although self recorded, it astounds me how tight it is. How could I have focused on the 2% where I stumbled or lost pace. I was spinning magic with my fingers the rest of the 98% of the time. And so I decided to share. I used the music in last week’s reading (which is still good and will soon be joined by another, so subscribe on youtube AND soundcloud for more stuff)
It’s amazing to me that I’ve come so far inside and tomorrow is only my 27th birthday.
Grateful for all the real changes from the last year, too!
In the future I see myself revealing more of myself, like removing a headress so a crowd can see my face, the person that’s really behind these eyes. I see my mission as creating balance, it’s not all about me, stepping into my power is for me, too, but it’s to take place so I can pull others up with me. That’s why I’m so passionate about helping sensitives not only with consultations and videos, but with the Sacred Armor ecourse, entrepreneurs with their 7 mistakes and Tapping into Wealth, and soon, women go From Girl to Goddess with the book I’ll finally publish. Just as this album strikes me different today, I am beginning to see all my ideas with a new sense of sight, that it is needed to bring them to the finish line, it is a deep service for the people I am meant to assist in this lifetime. I must be courageous.
I love this album, I hope you love it, too, you can listen free on Soundcloud or below. I have a few clips of other songs I’m working on, too–because I’ve had singing and piano lessons since spring 2013. Because I believe in myself now. So hit subscribe on soundcloud to get future full tracks.
PS If you are overwhelmed, overthinking, doubting yourself, stuck in a pattern and wondering how you can get free, then get clear on the big picture and start living the life you were meant to live, by enjoying a private video reading with me. The link to purchase is fixed!
