This post is an update from my journey to Japan written July 7th.
I’ve just touched down last night. The flight from Japan was long but not as bad as I’d expected. Everyone respected the rules of social distancing and mask wearing.
To return is surreal. Did I leave? Outside my parents house so much has changed but they set it up for me to quarantine alone here and much inside has stayed the same.
At the same time, I have changed. And I’m glad that I have, but I have to integrate. Everything I see and feel makes me question where I have landed compared to where I was. A part of me judges that it’s not enough although of course it is. And my mind wonders about the future, which is impossible to fully plan and commit to at the moment so I have to be okay with not knowing when I’ll see my boyfriend again. Of course I already miss him even though we talk all the time at a distance.
I forgot about my possessions, the clothes and art and things here waiting for me. I came into a space of detachment around most of my things while in Japan. I either didn’t have it, or had to risk using it to death and being replaced. I think the detachment is good although I’d still like to enjoy everything.
In a way, I don’t want to get used to things here because it’s putting the time I had in Japan firmly into the past, especially since I’d like to return to see my boyfriend. But of course change is the only constant in life and I’ve survived a lot of things this year that challenged me in so many ways. I know everything will be ok.
oddly it feels daring to say that these days but I’ve already survived my mother dying so seriously I know that even in the worst case, life goes on.
The biggest lesson I learned in Japan this year was to let go of control, acknowledge it is an illusion and I don’t have it. I’ve always been a planner and pusher of myself, and it just doesn’t work out. There are ways that work for ME and ways that don’t even if they work for someone else. There is another way for me to do things. I listen to myself, I follow my soul.
I hope that as I am in closer contact and communication with my world in the USA rather than being in a bubble abroad, that I continue to hear my own self clearly.
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