I accept that everything changes, all things have a season, and I have my own cycles.
I am allowed to change and grow. I am free to rest when I need to. The moon hides her face once a month. Trees lose their leaves. And then one day, when the time is right, everything changes.
I’m done trying to be everything to everyone all the time. I accept myself where I am at right now, as well as every minute of every day.
There is nothing to prove and nowhere to go, except to be here now in this exact moment. The end.
At 21, Sofia Wren realizes that she is a total doormat. Her boss steals money from her. She gets her heart broken too many times. But when she starts losing friends because she is so passive, it really gets real. What is she doing wrong?
Sofia is ready to do just about anything to finally master being a “strong, independent woman” in real life, when her best friend suggests she try being more dominant and meet men who will not only give her all the power, but also clean her kitchen, treat her like a goddess, and give her endless pleasure for free.
As she pursues power, Sofia struggles once more to be and act like the best possible version of herself. How can she become a strong, empowered woman and get what the good girl inside of her wants—without going too far?
Read the events during a pivotal year that awakened a new understanding of what true freedom and power look like.
Freedom Year: How Trying to be a Dominatrix (and Failing) Changed my Life.
Had an amazing moment yesterday where I went to a very covid conscious wedding. It was so touching and I’m so grateful.
I know it can be hard to not be in Japan but I’m glad not to have missed a wedding for two people who love each other lots and all my friends and family who could come even if we need to sit far apart and so forth.
When I was in Japan, I lost something and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sometimes when things feel difficult the best thing to do is just to give up– surrender, stop trying to fix it, respond to it or control it. Just be with it and accept that sometimes it really never gets better. I got there and strangely, something changed.
For several decades I’ve had the persistent sense that there is something more significant that I am supposed to be doing at any moment. It ate at me over the years, like someone else was hovering over me checking my work.
By the time I went to Japan I had reached a number of goals and pursued a lot of dreams that probably look great from the outside but I was restless.
Being in Japan was harder than I ever thought because my work situation caught me in a web of drama that reminded me of how it felt to be undergoing childhood emotional abuse on a near daily basis. During the worst of it all, I made a decision. I realized that there were certain things I just wanted to do for myself like publishing my book Freedom Year–and I had to stop caring about how it would be received because I would rather just die here and now than not publish it.
Publishing meant announcing to the world that I tried to be a dominatrix and failed, and that was freaking terrifying. It felt like announcing I am part monster. Honestly, it’s still scary, we don’t live in a world where I feel fully safe to be a sexual or powerful woman.
But some part of me had to be enlisted to keep going. The road of life felt so steep I wanted to give up–in fact I did. The part of me that has gotten me back up over and over again had a requirement: publish ASAP and who fucking cares what happens, or else I don’t feel like getting up ever again. I had to do it and surrender.
I don’t have that restless itch anymore but I still ask my spirit what she wants me to do everyday. For me there is only one rule to survive: trust my intuition no matter what and no matter how small or insignificant each step seems. Listening is mandatory.
My transition to the USA the last few weeks has been rough but Friday evening I had this thought.
Within the day, I got some good news that my boyfriend may be able to visit me from Japan, in three or four months (maybe) due to a change in travel rules.
Our separation is not the only thing that has been stressing me out but seeing him again is my greatest escape from a lot of the things that feel really hard right now.
All the changes in how we can work and play with others in the USA and abroad has been a serious source of stress for me like it does for others. Definitely more stressful here than it was in Japan. Navigating it all by myself when I don’t have a sense of home and I can’t go to my man for hugs anymore has made this part of the pandemic the hardest part for me.
I’ve been able to get my paintings up and cautiously connect with some of my people here and it does help.
I have some hope for the future when honestly a part of me has been afraid to have any. All the stress in the USA can trigger feelings from a time when I was indeed powerless and had to wait ten years for my troubles to go away. And some never did.
Sometimes I just have let myself lay down and feel it all because I’m too overwhelmed to do anything else. I don’t talk a lot about it, because a lot of it is just too intense for me to throw on social media.
I’m still processing and I’m not 100% fine all the time but there are glimmers of something more joyful coming into my experience as I work at nurturing myself as best I can.
I don’t know what’s going on for you but I hope that these words will resonate for somebody and bring hope for you like they did for me.#
I was in a funk a week ago and feeling depressed so I made a list of things I could do that would make me happy.
It’s amazing how putting the ball in motion and just doing a little something one day lead to doing more things. Each day I kept doing things that make me happy and it doesnt feel like it takes as much work and effort.
First I put more energy into my clothes and played with makeup. Even though I still chose to wear comfy clothes, my new lemon patterned pj shorts make me really happy.
Then I found myself setting a new intention at the start of the day which really helps me.
Then I started spending a little more energy on shopping for food and cooking.
And recently I got a bunch of paintings moved to my apartment and nailed them up today. I painted this when I got back from Japan in July.
All these little things can make such a difference! I love having paintings on the wall. It just doesnt feel good without it.
When I listed all the things I could do last Sunday, it seemed like a lot but its amazing how giving myself to start small always snowballs.
Try making a list if you are bummed! And don’t feel pressure to do it all at once, just start small.
That might be my ultimate secret to faster progress! You can be proud of what you are writing and creating in your life a way that doesn’t feel like a struggle.
Really grateful for all the support I have been receiving on my book Freedom Year: how trying to be a Dominatrix (and failing) changed my life.
It’s definitely been a difficult thing to publish. I did an interview with Andrew Hylen last week on “Shh…Sharing Secrets with Friends AKA writing on the taboo.” I share the struggle and talk about how I got through it by doing EFT around self forgiveness.
I’ve been revisiting that lesson of self forgiveness a lot in the past weeks as I put my book out.
Basically I started my book when I wasn’t ready as I recommend for everyone to do. I published when the book was ready but I was still growing into it as well and I’m glad.
Each opportunity to express myself is making me question all the lies I have lived under about who I can be and what I can do. I’m so grateful to pull the onion layers and also touched to be able to share that journey with all of you.
