When I was in Japan, I lost something and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sometimes when things feel difficult the best thing to do is just to give up– surrender, stop trying to fix it, respond to it or control it. Just be with it and accept that sometimes it really never gets better. I got there and strangely, something changed.

For several decades I’ve had the persistent sense that there is something more significant that I am supposed to be doing at any moment. It ate at me over the years, like someone else was hovering over me checking my work.

By the time I went to Japan I had reached a number of goals and pursued a lot of dreams that probably look great from the outside but I was restless.

Being in Japan was harder than I ever thought because my work situation caught me in a web of drama that reminded me of how it felt to be undergoing childhood emotional abuse on a near daily basis. During the worst of it all, I made a decision. I realized that there were certain things I just wanted to do for myself like publishing my book Freedom Year–and I had to stop caring about how it would be received because I would rather just die here and now than not publish it. 

Publishing meant announcing to the world that I tried to be a dominatrix and failed, and that was freaking terrifying. It felt like announcing I am part monster. Honestly, it’s still scary, we don’t live in a world where I feel fully safe to be a sexual or powerful woman.

But some part of me had to be enlisted to keep going. The road of life felt so steep I wanted to give up–in fact I did. The part of me that has gotten me back up over and over again had a requirement: publish ASAP and who fucking cares what happens, or else I don’t feel like getting up ever again. I had to do it and surrender.

I don’t have that restless itch anymore but I still ask my spirit what she wants me to do everyday. For me there is only one rule to survive: trust my intuition no matter what and no matter how small or insignificant each step seems. Listening is mandatory.

My transition to the USA the last few weeks has been rough but Friday evening I had this thought.

Within the day, I got some good news that my boyfriend may be able to visit me from Japan, in three or four months (maybe) due to a change in travel rules.

Our separation is not the only thing that has been stressing me out but seeing him again is my greatest escape from a lot of the things that feel really hard right now.

All the changes in how we can work and play with others in the USA and abroad has been a serious source of stress for me like it does for others. Definitely more stressful here than it was in Japan. Navigating it all by myself when I don’t have a sense of home and I can’t go to my man for hugs anymore has made this part of the pandemic the hardest part for me.

I’ve been able to get my paintings up and cautiously connect with some of my people here and it does help.

I have some hope for the future when honestly a part of me has been afraid to have any. All the stress in the USA can trigger feelings from a time when I was indeed powerless and had to wait ten years for my troubles to go away. And some never did.

Sometimes I just have let myself lay down and feel it all because I’m too overwhelmed to do anything else. I don’t talk a lot about it, because a lot of it is just too intense for me to throw on social media.

I’m still processing and I’m not 100% fine all the time but there are glimmers of something more joyful coming into my experience as I work at nurturing myself as best I can.

I don’t know what’s going on for you but I hope that these words will resonate for somebody and bring hope for you like they did for me.#

I was in a funk a week ago and feeling depressed so I made a list of things I could do that would make me happy.

It’s amazing how putting the ball in motion and just doing a little something one day lead to doing more things. Each day I kept doing things that make me happy and it doesnt feel like it takes as much work and effort.

First I put more energy into my clothes and played with makeup. Even though I still chose to wear comfy clothes, my new lemon patterned pj shorts make me really happy.

Then I found myself setting a new intention at the start of the day which really helps me.

Then I started spending a little more energy on shopping for food and cooking.

And recently I got a bunch of paintings moved to my apartment and nailed them up today. I painted this when I got back from Japan in July.

All these little things can make such a difference! I love having paintings on the wall. It just doesnt feel good without it.

When I listed all the things I could do last Sunday, it seemed like a lot but its amazing how giving myself to start small always snowballs.

Try making a list if you are bummed! And don’t feel pressure to do it all at once, just start small.

That might be my ultimate secret to faster progress! You can be proud of what you are writing and creating in your life a way that doesn’t feel like a struggle.

Really grateful for all the support I have been receiving on my book Freedom Year: how trying to be a Dominatrix (and failing) changed my life.

It’s definitely been a difficult thing to publish. I did an interview with Andrew Hylen last week on “Shh…Sharing Secrets with Friends AKA writing on the taboo.” I share the struggle and talk about how I got through it by doing EFT around self forgiveness.

I’ve been revisiting that lesson of self forgiveness a lot in the past weeks as I put my book out.

Basically I started my book when I wasn’t ready as I recommend for everyone to do. I published when the book was ready but I was still growing into it as well and I’m glad.

Each opportunity to express myself is making me question all the lies I have lived under about who I can be and what I can do. I’m so grateful to pull the onion layers and also touched to be able to share that journey with all of you.

Thanks for being on it with me. Xo

My book is such a meaty size. I just got a box in and could hold it.

It still gives me a mini heart attack when I post about my book. Lol yes I really did it. I can die happy now.

This stack of books has already gotten snapped up and claimed. Totally took me by surprise.

I am ordering more for others who want a signed copy. The post does take a little while, these took me 19 days to get.

If you would like a signed copy please go here.

Or grab a kindle or print book off Amazon– here’s the link.

Do you ever worry about doing it right? You have something to write or create but you lack clarity. You can’t move forward until something changes. 

Sometimes you need to bow down to creativity and its process. I know I’m going to go forward the way something bigger wills for me to move forward. 

Seasoned creatives and wannabes alike are servants with our pens, computer keyboards and paintbrushes at the ready, waiting for inspiration to dawn on us with our pecking orders.

I’m all for the things: positive affirmations, exercise, clean eating, coaches, habits, self-care, education, productivity hacks, sitting my butt down and just trying, etc. and so forth. 

But the fact of the matter is that CREATIVITY IS PART GRACE.

The most brilliant of the brilliant inspirations is something beyond the mere ingredients of production.

Join me. Invite the grace in. 

Here’s this month’s Tarot interpretation, from my upcoming book on the Tarot. This message covers where we are at this month from the New Moon as we move into September’s Full Moon. The effects may last a few weeks longer as well.

My readings tend to build on each other so you may also want to refer to the message from the last few months. June: 2 of Wands. July: The Magician.

First, take a moment to pause and breathe. Are you open to insight?

 Set your intention to feel how you want to feel in your life overall (you can be specific) and then decide (if you like) to be open to any positive shifts that may occur as you read the writing below.

The card for this month ahead is the Page of Wands. 

Keywords for Page of Wands: 

Inspiration, Channeling, New Ideas, Messengers, Writing, Singing, Acting, Organic Creation, New Starts, Beginnings 

This card represents an aspect of yourself or another person with youthful enthusiasm and creative energy. You may be newly inspired or re-energized for the purposes of creating and communicating. You may start a new project, receive new ideas, or be led to give someone else an important message. This is a time of new sparks, where you are adding fresh perspective or a new element to the creative stew pot. 

It is a time of new beginnings and endeavors–there is something arriving that feels fresh and new. You may not have all the puzzle pieces yet.

The biggest hurdles with this card can be overwhelm and frustration that things aren’t developing quickly enough. Patience can be a difficult hurdle right now, when as we know, a lot of things in the world are outside of our control. Use meditation, visualization, journaling about your ideas, and collaborative talks with others to make the most of your ideas. Some parts of the process will take time to unfold. 

Dive deep right now into the beginning stages of something–and don’t force the process or get caught up in negative feelings about not being able to reach the end quickly enough. Right now it is important that you pay attention to the new insights and engaging this new energy fully. Exploring its riches and have fun with it!

If something is nibbling at you so much that you cannot concentrate then do something about it–your distraction might be a message that leads you in a satisfying and fulfilling direction.

However, don’t assume every idea has to be put into action immediately–otherwise, you could quickly become scattered and distracted. Keep a notebook handy and write it all down. Trust your intuition about what needs to happen next. Don’t force it. Remember that sometimes having an idea is enough, and if it is really important, trust that it will come back to you if it is meant to happen. There’s a perfect time for all things.

To me overall there is a feeling of “Rising from the Ashes.” I hope you have a good month!

Get insight on what to focus on next every month to make faster progress writing and creating with a free Tarot card reading delivered to your inbox.

Sign up for free monthly readings here.

It’s the new “I voted” sticker! Feel free to borrow it so the world knows you googled!

You know it’s funny, in July I announced I wanted to post things about politics and how to make change. Then I announced I was totally uninspired and will not be writing any such posts. Then I started naturally wanting to write such posts–I’m such a rebel lol. 

Amazing what giving yourself permission NOT to do or write can do. 

Any who I looked up how to vote by mail in my state today. Many changes are happening across the country, and people are saying the key is to be able to vote for 100% sure is to start googling! Start early!

Google and start to research the details of how to vote in your state right now so you can make sure your vote is counted nice and early. 

My state of Maryland will mail us our ballots soon and we can mail them back in to vote as soon as we get them. Definitely want it in by early October… and I’ll check online that my vote was counted, just in case.