This month has already blazed by, leaving summer behind. So much is changing in my life, I feel I am dropping leaves to shed old habits and an old life.
In two weeks I move in with my boyfriend of almost two years. I have also been hired for a new job focusing on just massage–no office work required, yes!
The transition to less desk and more massage will be insane. I know a great upheaval will be taking place in my life, so please forgive if mid-October I skip a review or two.
I feel good about the way things are trending.
Part of the change, I think, is realizing that disappointing people is inevitable.
I’m a loyal person. I want to please my Dad, my friends, my boss, my coworkers, my clientele, my prospective clientele. Basically, for these twenty-five years of my life, I have been catering to what other people think of me. And when one or two people have a problem, it consumes me.
One time a boyfriend dumped me, followed by a ‘friend’ who dumped me, followed by crap from my boss for trying to take off work to seek counseling. I spent a day in the back room at work crying my heart out.
After that, I no longer have faith that others will take care of me during the fallout that occurs when I give up too much. Even though I gave myself away to make others happy, they weren’t there for me.
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| Katherine Hepburn: known for sneaking a smoke indoors at my aluma mater BMC |
It is a journey to pull away. Some of it happens on its own. I’ve lost friends I thought would be in my life forever and I am not sure why. I changed, they changed. I would be fine to continue as changed people but I suddenly started disappointing people without really altering my life.
It sure sucked that friends I held in my heart didn’t like me anymore. But some essence in me solidified since leaving college. Friends can turn against me, mentors can edge away, but I don’t want to budge anymore.
I’ve sculpted myself into a person, and no one gets to dig their fingers into my form, no more. Not unless it is right for me and my dreams. Sometimes I feel so shoved around, but mostly it’s because I’ve let it happen.
Let’s be larger than the opinions of everyone else in the world. It’s OK to be wrong, to drop the expectation of perfect. Let’s aim for perfect effort.
Call me, friends, tell me you are disappointed and we will talk, but tough luck if all you want is to talk at me.
The way I feel now is I am a relaxed person and will give friends the benefit of the doubt—but if I am criticized over and over again for things that are really not a big deal, then deal over. Life is too short to adjust my compass 24/7.
Real friends support your dreams and your health. They support you changing from the image they’ve had of you into something larger.
Real friends adjust their expectations to accept your human imperfection, and perfect effort.
Real friends don’t make you feel like you are on the edge of a cliff and you might fall without them.
Many people have a skewed idea what will make them happy.
Why would someone want a friend to spend energy on recreation if it will affect their mental or physical health? If they aren’t feeling it–wouldn’t they just be a downer?
I’m of the opinion that kind of friendship will drive me crazy. But I used to try and try again because the friendship had (past tense) made me happy.
Personally I am really pleased when I enter a mind shift. If someone gives me information that changes my world, I am astounded. I like hearing a friend’s perspective when I’m clueless. When someone is mad, let’s put it all on the table and deal with it.
I really try to keep an open mind to hear whatever truth my friends want to share. Often it is uncomfortable. This discomfort, though, is necessary and good.
Yesterday my friend told me, “America has probably provided the guns for every coup in Africa since WWII.” This means we are responsible for hoards and hoards of death, poverty, political unrest, and the crumbling of nations.
Mind shift. The only thing I can do about it is post it here and ask readers to look into it and decide whether to tell others. Here are two reports from the World Policy Institute from 2005 and 2000. Talk about disappointment, sheesh.
This may seem like an aside, but this is the stuff I really care about. The issue for me has always been how to save the world. And is it possible to do it from my couch? Because transforming into $an independent woman$ is already a lot of work…
Will people reading this be mad I switched subjects? Am I being too political? I dunno, this upsets me but I still like being an American. Blogging about this is the only outlet I have. This is a large topic.
Saving the world is hard. I’m too sensitive to use my Political Science BA. I don’t even like arguing. I worked for an education nonprofit and lost myself. Wiping the smile off my face to discipline kids is just not possible. I adore my current path of massage therapy, but I can only help one person at a time.
So when I get crap because I rarely RSVP to parties unless I’m a definite, or I bail on plans when I am overloaded or tired, I just have to think, “Does anyone really understand what real disappointment is?”
There are plenty of other people to hold someone’s attention if I don’t feel good. It’s not like I am causing real harm. If I don’t hold a little back, how will I save the world or make my dreams come true? Because not following my heart is the most disappointing thing I can imagine.
Tara Mohr is a fantastic speaker on the subject of “Playing Big” versus playing small. This video speaks on the dangers of praise and how it can hold us back:
I hope this post helps someone to know that it is possible to feel large. Even if it seems no one believes. As long as you do, that’s what matters. If you’ve tried again and again to repair a friendship, maybe it’s better broken.
Have you been disappointed by a friend? Are you still friends now?
Have you held back on your dream or thoughts because of what people will think?
Comments on this entry are closed.
This post, while a little hard to follow sometimes,
This post resonated with me so much. I always did the “right thing,” what was expected of me as a child, and more often than not, it was inline with what I wanted to do. I also received a lot of praise, but in some ways I think it hurt me like how Tara describes. I stopped trying, because what took so little effort to begin with was enough. I could have been pushed so much harder. That is a topic I would like to break apart more.
As I started to grow and change, I felt this same sense of… betrayal in wanting to be true to myself. People thought I was selfish and hardhearted because I started to go my own way. But we can’t live our lives for other people. We have to do what makes us happy, or else, we draw in other unhappy people. Sometimes that means losing friends, but I’ve learned that’s better than losing yourself.
Recently I have been disappointed by a friend. I told her so. But she didn’t think it was any of my business. We stopped talking to each other for a while. I agreed that I was overly dogmatic about the matter, but I still don’t regret speaking my heart. We’re not as friendly as before, but I believe everything happens for a reason. So like you said, maybe our friendship is better broken.
Thanks for sharing with us.
It’s difficult to be lonely, but it’s better to be alone than to be with people who suck up your energy without giving anything back. If you don’t take care of yourself and place a premium on your own happiness, you can’t expect others to do so. Being happy with yourself will tend to attract others who are happy with themselves. It sounds simple, but it works. Hugs.
Asia, thank you for dropping by and sharing your story.
I wonder, too, what kind of things I would have accomplished if I focused on my interests instead of the grade. Oh, well!
It is really important to feel like you can be honest with your friends. Sometimes you need to say your piece and then be AT peace with the fact that friends won’t necessarily change. But at least everyone is aware of the weirdness, if it has been brushed under the rug. Friends either change behavior or expectations or become a different kind of friend. That’s fine.
It is absolutely better to lose a friend than yourself. When I give give give I find I get taken for granted and sometimes people don’t even recognize I did anything. And that’s not ok.
“We have to do what makes us happy, or else, we draw in other unhappy people.” So true!
BR, I agree, loneliness isn’t the best but it can be really productive. If the energy is wasted on energy suckers, that’d be a pity.
Thanks for the advice. I do think being in a good place will attract similar minded people.
Breaking away from bad situations can be scary but as they say, “You can’t paint a beautiful picture without a blank canvas.”