Creative Process: “Sweet Girl” a song and a story

by SofiaWren February 22, 2018

Sweet Girl is a song I started writing around Thanksgiving 2017. The inspiration was a situation I couldn’t fully get out of my head from August.

As I write this I am looking at a picture of my mom. She died at 29. I am now 30. I am now just settling into an age, that she will never reach. She looks an awful lot like me.

August is when I became thirty, which is one year older than my mother ever lived to be. I really felt awful surviving her and mourning her, and then the next week my dad had a heart attack. Everything put my relationship of 7 years into serious question.

My relationship had been on the rocks for some time. Years. We’d been strained by many things, and I felt like I always had two feet on crumbling land, just trying to hold it together. And I made the most of it, I got therapy, I worked on myself and my communication. I did all the things. I wanted to be partners as much as possible so the stuff that bothered me wasn’t a secret, we discussed it, at length and tried to work on it. I basically tried to be the best girlfriend ever, and I’m not perfect, but when my dad had a heart attack in August I just had this very intuitive feeling that it was over. It was really scary, because I still loved him, and we lived together and I didn’t know what to do with that download of information, it was like a direct revelation experience.

Because I was really a mess in August I reached out to some people for help. It just so happened that in discussing all that was happening with my friend, feelings for him woke inside of me. That friend lived far away, and I didn’t even know him that well. I was surprised he even offered to talk to me. But he did and I’m not in the habit of refusing help when I need it. Surprisingly talking to my friend was really helpful, and I started going down memory road, remembering when we met. Back then I lived in Philadelphia at 22 and I was young, free and single. We had gone on a few dates then. Before I knew it I was feeling things for him more strongly than ever and wanted to be closer, in a big way.

But because I was such a mess, I did it all wrong. I said the wrong things, I was needy, and I was still figuring out my relationship status. He lived far away anyway, what was I doing? I imposed on his time needing him without giving to him to such an extent that we basically stopped talking.

It still eats at me a little bit. On one hand I know it was a slim chance in hell anything would have come of it, and now I have this very cool song. On the other hand, I hate to lose a friend I respect and think is special. Oh well, I accept there is nothing to be done about it.

So I focus on taking care of myself. That road trip through memory lane reminds me of that sweet girl in Philadelphia at 22, free, single, and honestly not a very big fan of herself. Looking to other people to find me valuable. I’m over that. Sometimes I still feel that way when I get scared I am doing something wrong. Like I have to be perfect, and do everything right. Get everything done, hold that melting cliff face together against all odds. Or I will lose everything through failing to be enough. It’s a slippery slope I am tired of trying to climb. I deserve love now, we all do.

I wrote “Sweet Girl” for myself, the words I needed to hear over and over again to remind myself that I am really a good person. I need to remember how much I deserve love, of how beautiful my soul is, of how much I just want to help people, and it’s ok. It’s ok to think negatively about myself sometimes, but what matters is scooping myself up off the floor even when no one else is there and showering myself with love. And just loving who I am, even when I feel broken or fragile. Scooping myself off the floor even when I feel needy and shitty and like I should be another way.

Over the period of writing Sweet Girl I decided to move out from my apartment with my boyfriend, where we lived for four years. I’m still cleaning things up but most stuff is moved now, including me. Breaking up with someone I love and wish I were more connected to isn’t easy. I feel so separate from so many things I knew for so many years, my best friend, my family, my life. I was scared of this and it is hard. I’m glad I did it, I think it is for the best but it’s still hard.

This song is for that girl that I used to be, and that a part of me will always be, because sometimes being an adult and doing the right thing is really hard. And we all need love.

I want you to hear Sweet Girl so I put it online for you! Please check it out and let me know what you think. I hope you find it uplifting xo

Hear it on Soundcloud