Creative Process: “Sweet Girl” a song and a story

by SofiaWren on February 22, 2018

Sweet Girl is a song I started writing around Thanksgiving 2017. The inspiration was a situation I couldn’t fully get out of my head from August.

As I write this I am looking at a picture of my mom. She died at 29. I am now 30. I am now just settling into an age, that she will never reach. She looks an awful lot like me.

August is when I became thirty, which is one year older than my mother ever lived to be. I really felt awful surviving her and mourning her, and then the next week my dad had a heart attack. Everything put my relationship of 7 years into serious question.

My relationship had been on the rocks for some time. Years. We’d been strained by many things, and I felt like I always had two feet on crumbling land, just trying to hold it together. And I made the most of it, I got therapy, I worked on myself and my communication. I did all the things. I wanted to be partners as much as possible so the stuff that bothered me wasn’t a secret, we discussed it, at length and tried to work on it. I basically tried to be the best girlfriend ever, and I’m not perfect, but when my dad had a heart attack in August I just had this very intuitive feeling that it was over. It was really scary, because I still loved him, and we lived together and I didn’t know what to do with that download of information, it was like a direct revelation experience.

Because I was really a mess in August I reached out to some people for help. It just so happened that in discussing all that was happening with my friend, feelings for him woke inside of me. That friend lived far away, and I didn’t even know him that well. I was surprised he even offered to talk to me. But he did and I’m not in the habit of refusing help when I need it. Surprisingly talking to my friend was really helpful, and I started going down memory road, remembering when we met. Back then I lived in Philadelphia at 22 and I was young, free and single. We had gone on a few dates then. Before I knew it I was feeling things for him more strongly than ever and wanted to be closer, in a big way.

But because I was such a mess, I did it all wrong. I said the wrong things, I was needy, and I was still figuring out my relationship status. He lived far away anyway, what was I doing? I imposed on his time needing him without giving to him to such an extent that we basically stopped talking.

It still eats at me a little bit. On one hand I know it was a slim chance in hell anything would have come of it, and now I have this very cool song. On the other hand, I hate to lose a friend I respect and think is special. Oh well, I accept there is nothing to be done about it.

So I focus on taking care of myself. That road trip through memory lane reminds me of that sweet girl in Philadelphia at 22, free, single, and honestly not a very big fan of herself. Looking to other people to find me valuable. I’m over that. Sometimes I still feel that way when I get scared I am doing something wrong. Like I have to be perfect, and do everything right. Get everything done, hold that melting cliff face together against all odds. Or I will lose everything through failing to be enough. It’s a slippery slope I am tired of trying to climb. I deserve love now, we all do.

I wrote “Sweet Girl” for myself, the words I needed to hear over and over again to remind myself that I am really a good person. I need to remember how much I deserve love, of how beautiful my soul is, of how much I just want to help people, and it’s ok. It’s ok to think negatively about myself sometimes, but what matters is scooping myself up off the floor even when no one else is there and showering myself with love. And just loving who I am, even when I feel broken or fragile. Scooping myself off the floor even when I feel needy and shitty and like I should be another way.

Over the period of writing Sweet Girl I decided to move out from my apartment with my boyfriend, where we lived for four years. I’m still cleaning things up but most stuff is moved now, including me. Breaking up with someone I love and wish I were more connected to isn’t easy. I feel so separate from so many things I knew for so many years, my best friend, my family, my life. I was scared of this and it is hard. I’m glad I did it, I think it is for the best but it’s still hard.

This song is for that girl that I used to be, and that a part of me will always be, because sometimes being an adult and doing the right thing is really hard. And we all need love.

I want you to hear Sweet Girl so I put it online for you! Please check it out and let me know what you think. I hope you find it uplifting xo

Hear it on Soundcloud

Hear it on Dropbox

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wukoy10b7a84y0l/Sweet%20girl%202.19.18.wav?dl=0

Dropbox

Love yourself!

Blessings

Sofia Wren

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It’s amazing how much my mind loves to think about what other people think. I know I’m not alone because my clients talk about it sometimes. It definitely crosses my mind, “What will they think of this?” It can be a nail biter sometimes even though I definitely don’t let it rule my life.

I wonder what you will think of this. I’ve decided to change a really big priority.

For the last several years I have promoted my forthcoming book Freedom Year. It’s gone through several name changes. I’ve been working on it for over 5 years. I’ve had many people help me with reading and giving feedback. I’ve shared the first 4 chapters and gotten people excited about it.

I love it. It has been an incredibly fulfilling and challenging project. To write it and edit it I literally had to edit the contents of how I feel about some of my most difficult years. I had to face my own self judgement, and forgive myself and others.

It’s to the point now where I feel like maybe I don’t even need to publish it. To be honest, I’m in a deep life transition so I’m not in a place to make a permanent decision on that book’s future right now. So my current answer is- I do not know exactly what is going on with Freedom Year or its timeline.

What is clear to me is that I should spend my daily “Creative Passion Time” focused deliberately on something else. (Even when I am hella busy, I create every day. It is what keeps me sane.)

The truth is that I’m not working on my book Freedom Year right now. I’m writing songs.

Song writing! It’s been a very exciting journey going on in a parallel fashion over many years, but since August I have been incredible focused and dedicated to learning guitar so I can write music to play as I sing my original songs.

Since August I have recorded over 250 versions of songs, and now have 4 original songs polished and ready to perform, as well as 2 covers. That is 6 total songs I can perform, and I’m aiming to hit 10 songs and then 20 songs very soon. With ten or twenty songs I will have plenty to choose from to perform shows live! That’s my goal.

It was hard for me to post this because I have felt judged before talking about the pace of my project Freedom Year. Because I am a coach for writers and creatives who want to make faster progress, there’s a little voice inside of me that says that if I don’t complete every goal I set in a timely fashion then everyone will think that I am a fraud.

But the truth is that I want to tell you that actually changing your goals is totally ok. As long as you really feel into it and believe it is right for you–especially when the point is to have FUN or express yourself or something like that and it’s not obligatory–then you know best deep down what to do. Don’t let fear of judgement keep your nose to the grindstone on a project when inspiration is whispering to do something else. The point is to be free, not to be trapped.

It’s a balance, and it’s tricky, because if you switch projects too too much then you’ll never get anything done. But I don’t think it’s right to stick to every goal you set when things change and they don’t feel like a priority anymore.

Do you have any thoughts? To change priorities or not is a complicated topic and I’d love to hear what you think. Do you have challenges with this? Comment and let me know

 

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